"I have to. I need to go or they'll consider me compromised. I won't be allowed anywhere near their organization ever again." He said it mechanically, without looking up.

"I won't be allowed to make contact. Even after I finish, I might not be allowed to make contact. It might be years, they said, depending on how I do. It's their rule. I'm only allowed to bring a carry-on. I can't disclose when I'm going, or what my flight number is. I can't bring anyone with me to the airport. I can't have anyone drive me. I've already done the preliminaries. If I don't go now, they'll have to...."

He slowed, and stopped altogether for breath, and then bit his lip so his juddery inhale wouldn't be noticed. "It's decided," he continued, in the same voice as before. "It can't be changed."