nozama tomoko (
gothics) wrote in
sagittariusly2012-12-09 10:07 am
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asteroidbelt
For today, just for today, Tomoko was going to wear her blue dress.
Perhaps it didn't really matter, she thought, as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. The dress's shade was a blue so deep and rich it was almost black on certain angles, yet it still felt so foreign on her skin. It was a far cry from her usual selection of clothes, which was her thought when she opened this gift from Miu. She thought she wouldn't really be wearing it anytime soon.
Tomoko thought wrong.
The doorbell rang.
She hadn't even worn her headdress yet.
But there wasn't time for that - it usually took her fifteen minutes to find the perfect spot at the side of her head for it - and she really didn't want Ryusei to wait. So Tomoko did another unexpected feat, and brushed her hair and left it free of any adornments.
She rushed to the door. Smoothing her dress and calming her suddenly-frazzled nerves, Tomoko opened the door and smiled.
Perhaps it didn't really matter, she thought, as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. The dress's shade was a blue so deep and rich it was almost black on certain angles, yet it still felt so foreign on her skin. It was a far cry from her usual selection of clothes, which was her thought when she opened this gift from Miu. She thought she wouldn't really be wearing it anytime soon.
Tomoko thought wrong.
The doorbell rang.
She hadn't even worn her headdress yet.
But there wasn't time for that - it usually took her fifteen minutes to find the perfect spot at the side of her head for it - and she really didn't want Ryusei to wait. So Tomoko did another unexpected feat, and brushed her hair and left it free of any adornments.
She rushed to the door. Smoothing her dress and calming her suddenly-frazzled nerves, Tomoko opened the door and smiled.
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And he didn't want to have to see Tomoko merely pretend to be cheerful, because he knew what that was like. But there was no longer anything he could say or do to cheer her up for real.
... They were here. The walk had been simultaneously too quick and too slow. The place where he'd place parked earlier in the night was still vacant; they hadn't spent much time at the restaurant. Ryusei could have done that better. Not be so nervous. Been more reassuring to start with. But he shouldn't think about it; there wasn't anything he could do about that now.
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Thank goodness her mother wasn't home, or else Tomoko would be grilled about tonight's events and she wasn't sure how she could even start telling how wrong everything was in a night that was supposed to be perfect. Tomoko's mother liked Ryusei; sure, she liked all of Tomoko's (normal) friends, but she seemed to take a particular liking to Ryusei as well. Now Tomoko worried how she'd break it to her mother that Ryusei would be gone--
Tomoko moved quicker. Don't think. Jam, a mug of tea, loaves of bread--
Ten minutes after she got in, Tomoko stepped out of her house, almost out of breath. "T-there," she said, pointing at a small street path leading to the back of her house. "W-We go through there."
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"The sky won't go anywhere." That went for him, too. He could bear this for as long as necessary (only a few hours, at most). So he should at least try. It was too soon for him to be able to smile, but he could take her bag. He could make this as normal as possible for her sake.
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No, no, no.
Tomoko hesitated, then made a decision to pull Ryusei with her by grabbing his sleeve. "Come on."
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"I-I'm coming," he said weakly. He felt like reiterating that there was no rush, but she'd surely heard him the first time. And, well, they were in fact on a time limit.
"... Is this a good spot?" There was a decent view of the sky from here.
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"A few more minutes, I think," she said, removing her shoes so she could sit down and make herself comfortable on the blanket.
If she tried hard enough, this would almost seem like one of their regular not-dates. If she tried hard enough, then she could probably forget this wouldn't - couldn't - happen again.
Probably.
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He lay down tentatively, hyper-aware of where she was in relation to him. There was no helping that, either. He fixed his gaze on the sky so he'd resist the urge to look at her the entire time they were here.
He wanted to ask what the jars were for, make small talk, but he also didn't want to know. He did have the vague sense of what they were; he'd known her long enough for that kind of thing to be somewhat familiar. Long enough... Had it really been that long? Maybe he wouldn't be away for any longer than the amount of time they'd known each other. Maybe it wouldn't...be that painful. No, he couldn't think that way. He was being complacent because he was lying down, and this sort of nervousness about being together on a sort-of date was familiar to him, and the other nervousness from earlier in the night had faded away. It would be painful to get up, when it was time, he knew.
But for now, there were a few hours. "Were there extra blankets?" he muttered. The external cold from the weather was starting to register now that he wasn't so tense. "Are you cold?"
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In the quiet of the evening, when everything was silent, Tomoko became aware that she was, in fact, tired. Exhausted, both physically and emotionally. The walk back to her house and the sprint she did inside made the muscles in her leg a bit stiff, but they were nothing compared to what she'd felt earlier this evening. But she knew all her aches would ebb away. All she'd need was time.
She wondered how much time she'd need.
Tomoko turned to him. "You should eat," she said softly. "I packed you something to eat." And, just so she'd have something to do, Tomoko reached for the bag to empty out its contents. Soon, tea, bread, even natto were laid on the blanket between them. She also took out two plates and two cups for them to use.
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With a bit of effort, he sat up, wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, and tucked his legs under him as Tomoko took the things out of the bag. It was strange to be wearing something so formal while doing this, but it couldn't be helped; they couldn't have stayed at the restaurant. Would it have been better or worse if they'd been able to? It had been warm there, but being alone here was...nice, too. For a certain value of nice. It was private, and even though it was cold, it was kind of cozy. Wrapped in blankets, noting that Tomoko had brought natto out.
The problem was the people. The kind of person he was. Suggesting they huddle together for warmth was out of the question. He would have done it once, before. Now he just pulled the blanket tighter around him. "That's thoughtful. Thank you." He wanted to say something else, but he couldn't even look up at her properly. That was the problem with the entire scenario, that he hadn't been able to foresee. He should have. "Thank you," he repeated. "... For everything," he added quietly.
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He shouldn't thank her for anything. This was her thought as she shook her head at him. If anything, it was she who should be thankful that someone like him would even pay attention to an outcast like her. Tomoko knew that whenever they were seen together people wondered how and why and she knew they were thinking there must be something wrong with him, or there must be something right with her. Mostly the latter, though, so when she started college she found, to her surprise, that there were others quite willing to welcome her - especially since JK, who had always been her companion, transferred to a different school. Suddenly, even when Ryusei wasn't there for her, she wasn't always alone as she'd expected.
"You shouldn't-- there's no need to thank me for anything." Especially since it sounded so much like goodbye and she didn't want to face that yet. "Maybe I'm the one who should thank you for everything you've done. When you're Meteor... and when you're not."
She grabbed her chopsticks and toyed with the lid covering her natto. "I wonder, though - Ryusei-san, do you think... do you think if you weren't Meteor, we would have met?"
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Because it wasn't about him becoming Meteor, it was about Jirou. The question became whether or not Ryusei would exchange Jirou's well-being with meeting the members of Kamen Rider Club, and that was a question Ryusei never wanted to answer. How could he? The one time he had ranked his friends.... Ryusei never again wanted to be put in a position where he was deciding or felt like he had the right to decide his friends' lives.
He did become Meteor, and he did meet Kamen Rider Club, and Jirou did get saved, and Ryusei's mistake had thankfully been reversible. Wasn't that enough? "Tomoko-chan..." He folded his hands on his lap. He didn't want to ask this. "Do you..."
He didn't want to hear that Tomoko regretted the time they'd spent together. It had ended this way, but— Tomoko couldn't have brought him here to say that, could she?
He changed the subject. "Do you...." Something safe and light. "... Did you have plans with Yuuki-kun tonight?"
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"They didn't tell me where they're going to watch, but I'm betting they're on Amanogawa. I do wonder how they're going to sneak inside."
Pause. When she spoke next, she was whispering.
"I don't regret this, Ryusei-san. You don't have to worry about that." She had called him cruel to his face, but that was her own devastated feelings talking. Now that she was becoming more aware of his feelings as well - something hard to do earlier, given what had transpired - she was beginning to understand that this wasn't just hurting her, this was hurting him as well. And more than anything, when he's hurting, her first instinct was to soothe it away.
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His hand shook; he had to grab the cup with his other hand so the tea wouldn't spill. "... Nn." That was...a relief to hear.
... Change the subject.
"Yuuki-kun called me, too." Yuuki might have sensed that something was wrong; he'd had to pause for a second to think up an excuse. She'd seemed cheerful enough when she hung up, so maybe not. Speaking of which.... He glanced up. "It's starting."
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It started as a single streak crossing the darkened sky - and then another appeared, and then another, and then another. Tomoko sighed, then chose to lie on her back in order to have a better view. She sighed happily. Ever since becoming a member of the Kamen Rider Club, Tomoko discovered that she did, in fact, love all things related to space. Maybe not to the same degree as Gentarou, Kengo, and Yuuki did, but her appreciation of it was probably deeper than most. Perhaps it also helped that her favorite Kamen Rider was aptly named Meteor--
...yes, well.
"Ryusei-san, did you know that there are beliefs about meteor showers being a salute from God for the death of some famous people?" This was probably easier to talk about - something that was far from their situation, but interesting and related enough. "Some didn't have a positive look at them, though - they thought meteor showers are God's wrath raining down on Earth." Her lips curved. "If it's true, maybe we're in danger of dying where we are."
There were three seconds of silence, before Tomoko reached for one of the jars to take out her white snake skin. Then, just to be on the safe side, she shook it vigorously while looking upwards.
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"We won't die." But where they were now, it did seem like a special send-off for the two of them. ... What a sentimental thought. Harmless, though; he could indulge in it. There was something a little sad about it—those stars had already started falling long before this phenomena became visible, so many years later. It was only the effects that were being observed tonight. Sort of like—
Happy thoughts.
"At least there's someone to mourn their—the stars'—passing." No, that was too morbid. But more importantly— "What are you doing?"
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Plus, this was also to ensure that nothing but good vibes would come their way. With what was coming later on, Tomoko knew they'd need all the positive energy she could generate.
She reached for the rabbit's foot and handed it to him. "Do what I do, all right? Just shake it as hard as you can and say to yourself, 'happy thoughts'."
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"Does it have to be personal?" Asking about how this stuff worked was probably not a good idea, but if only for a moment, he wanted to believe in it, a little. Tomoko should be happy. And he'd punch anyone (any man, or anyone, or any...lover) who made her cry in the future, but he couldn't. So he had to settle. And he didn't want any generic happiness for her, either. But what did he know about what would make her happiest? That was up to her. "... What are you thinking about?"
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"Remember the dinners we have with Gentarou-san's grandfather?" she said. "Or the times we were invited by Yuuki-san's parents. We had to dress up a lot for them." Good thing Yuuki had a lot of extra costumes by then, so Tomoko only needed to borrow from her.
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Come to think of it, should he risk ruining this positivity mood? There wasn't going to be any better time to do this.... He pulled the jewelry box out of his pocket. He didn't even know if she'd like it—she probably already owned a bracelet set with blue rhinestones (girls owned that kind of thing, right?) and it was probably boring to her tastes even if the rhinestones were placed on a scorpion design. But he'd thought of her when he saw it; he'd picked it up on a whim more than a week ago and had been waiting for a good time. They weren't... They'd never quite acknowledged what they had, so gifts of jewelry had never seemed appropriate.
It was still inappropriate. They'd never dated, so what they'd done right now couldn't be called 'breaking up.' Even so. "Tomoko-chan...." He held up the box, waved it in her general direction without looking at her. This... This was not a good idea. "I wanted you to have this."
He shouldn't hold his breath. But 'should' and 'able to' were different things.
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Maybe he'd secretly wanted to make a good impression. He didn't really know; he'd never examined his feelings for Tomoko very closely. He'd always been content to let it happen if it happened. It was frighteningly spontaneous whenever anything did strike him, but until now nothing had ever ended up badly. It still hadn't ended up badly; they'd ended up here not because of anything to do with the not-relationship but because Ryusei had chosen something over it.
So even though it was a bad idea, he'd still been willing to do it. But he couldn't take it back now. "I won't give it to anyone else. It's for you only, so...." He trailed off, embarrassed by what he was saying.
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She reached for the box, and with trembling fingers opened it. And inside was--
"It's--" Tomoko lifted the bracelet from the box as though it was the most precious thing in the world, and right now, to her, it was. "It's so beautiful."
She laid it on her palm, felt tears clouding her vision again. It was coming, wasn't it? His goodbye. He was going to say goodbye to her under a meteor shower and it would be the most painful thing in the world.
Tomoko clutched the bracelet to her chest. "Thank you. I--I'll wear it everyday."
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He shouldn't do this. He shouldn't do this. He leaned forward, and wrapped his arms around her. This made it hard. He'd just made it harder. He drew away almost immediately.
"H-Happy thoughts," he reminded her. He was still holding the rabbit's foot in his other hand; he put it aside to tentatively take the bracelet and clasp it around her wrist.
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She supposed it ought to be romantic. It must be, to anyone who wasn't the two of them. Vaguely, she wondered if Yuuki and JK would notice anything different tomorrow.
"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I... didn't get you anything." How could she? She didn't know. Tomoko had no inkling that tonight was--
So much for her sharp senses.
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But if he stayed any longer, he'd do something he'd really regret. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and then sat up again. "Tomoko-chan, I have to...."
He had to cut short their time together. They had about an hour left, but he couldn't keep going like this, pretend they still had— He just kept making it harder for himself. He couldn't imagine what it was like for her. He had to be considerate of her feelings. Look, he'd just made her cry again. "I have to go."
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