gothics: (28)
nozama tomoko ([personal profile] gothics) wrote in [community profile] sagittariusly2012-12-09 10:07 am

for [personal profile] asteroidbelt

For today, just for today, Tomoko was going to wear her blue dress.

Perhaps it didn't really matter, she thought, as she looked at her reflection in the mirror. The dress's shade was a blue so deep and rich it was almost black on certain angles, yet it still felt so foreign on her skin. It was a far cry from her usual selection of clothes, which was her thought when she opened this gift from Miu. She thought she wouldn't really be wearing it anytime soon.

Tomoko thought wrong.

The doorbell rang.

She hadn't even worn her headdress yet.

But there wasn't time for that - it usually took her fifteen minutes to find the perfect spot at the side of her head for it - and she really didn't want Ryusei to wait. So Tomoko did another unexpected feat, and brushed her hair and left it free of any adornments.

She rushed to the door. Smoothing her dress and calming her suddenly-frazzled nerves, Tomoko opened the door and smiled.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-10 12:18 am (UTC)(link)
"Of course." He pulled away and put his helmet on and swung his leg over the bike. "W-Why wouldn't I be?" he added in a joking manner.

It was an interesting conundrum, wasn't it—he didn't want to lie but if he wanted to maintain this charade for at least a little while longer, lying was a necessity. Not to speak of what Tomoko would think when she eventually found out he'd been lying all night. He could say it right now and let her decide whether or not to pretend this was a normal date, but that option was dependent on Ryusei's ability to say it.

He couldn't; it meant having to face the truth himself.

"Ready?" He turned around to look at her.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-10 01:04 am (UTC)(link)
"Sorry," he muttered to her. "Please humor me for a little while longer."

He started the engine and eased the bike into traffic.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-10 02:14 am (UTC)(link)
He'd had the duration of the bike ride to cool his head; by the time they arrived, Ryusei felt almost normal. He found someplace to park not a block away, and as he got off, he pointed out the restaurant. "It's over there."

The frosted glassfront made it hard to spot at first, especially since the store next to it was a jewelry store. The front door was set back a bit from the street, too, but Ryusei thought it gave the place a bit of charm. "It's a little unassuming, but I've heard good things. Well...we all have, from our sempai...." he added, with an embarrassed smile.

"The frosted glass was specially made by the first owner's grandfather some years ago," he said. "Originally, it was a glass shop, but when they were converting it to a restaurant, the original owner made a special request that—" Stop talking. "Uh." He cleared his throat, stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Well. Shall we go?"

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-10 02:52 am (UTC)(link)
"Money problems, or so I've heard." Tentatively, as they walked to it, he took Tomoko's hand. "This is just a rumor, but it seems like one of the children was a bit of a slob. And none of the children wanted to get into the business and one of them was a chef, I suppose."

That was not a romantic story at all. Way to set the mood. There was a romantic story attached to this place, but he'd forgotten how it went; he'd continued reading the facts and rumors solely out of nerves and his eyes had skipped right over the bits that sounded like fiction. He should have known better, but it was too late to go look it up now.

Inside, there were only two tables that were placed near the glass, and Ryusei had snagged one. It was a bit dangerous, if he thought about it—if something happened to the glass, shattering it inwards, that table was the most dangerous place to sit. But... This once, he'd let aesthetic override safety. He gave his name to the waiting employee; that confirmed, he pulled out the chair with the better view of the glass for Tomoko.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-11 01:22 am (UTC)(link)
"What do you mean?"

It wasn't too fancy a place, was it? He would have asked JK or Yuuki, but didn't want to have to go through the hassle of their teasing. And by the time he'd made plans, it'd been too late, anyway. His flight left at 2AM. He should have done something sooner, but all week he'd been trying to distance himself from all of them. It hadn't worked; he should have known it wouldn't, but there were things that never seemed logical or reasonable when he was the one who had to do them.

"Is there anything I can do, make you more comfortable?" he continued. Should he imply he knew someone here, who owed him a favor? No, he didn't want to lie. It wouldn't have been a lie to say that he'd do anything for her right now, but he...couldn't say that. Not right now. Maybe one day, when she couldn't ask him not to leave.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-11 11:01 pm (UTC)(link)
And there it was. He couldn't delay it any longer, it seemed. "We're not.... It's not...a celebration," he said slowly. He looked down at his lap, where his hands had balled into fists.

Would she leave right now, upon hearing the news? He'd hoped they could go a little longer like this. For a moment there, it had almost seemed normal. Would there have been more 'moments' if he'd done something sooner? ... He couldn't think about that right now.

"I..." Now, the present. Concentrate on the now. "I have to...."

How could he concentrate on the now when he had to give it up for the future? He could say right now that he wanted to give her the bracelet sitting in his pocket tonight, and stay here deliberately overlong so as to miss his flight. He could do that. There were other chances. It wasn't like he was going to die—

Unfortunately he knew full well that that argument could cut both ways. "... I have to leave," he said softly.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-12 09:45 pm (UTC)(link)
"I have to. I need to go or they'll consider me compromised. I won't be allowed anywhere near their organization ever again." He said it mechanically, without looking up.

"I won't be allowed to make contact. Even after I finish, I might not be allowed to make contact. It might be years, they said, depending on how I do. It's their rule. I'm only allowed to bring a carry-on. I can't disclose when I'm going, or what my flight number is. I can't bring anyone with me to the airport. I can't have anyone drive me. I've already done the preliminaries. If I don't go now, they'll have to...."

He slowed, and stopped altogether for breath, and then bit his lip so his juddery inhale wouldn't be noticed. "It's decided," he continued, in the same voice as before. "It can't be changed."

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-12 10:52 pm (UTC)(link)
Ryusei had to pause, and had to alternate between biting his lip and forcefully swallowing so he could speak without gasping.

"By me. Decided by me."

He couldn't keep staring at his fists forever. He needed to look up at her. It was the least he could do. But not right now. His resolve would break; he couldn't afford that. "Please understand," he meant to say normally, but came out as a whisper.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-13 08:58 pm (UTC)(link)
He'd expected that reaction, but no amount of expectation was comparable to how much it hurt when she said it. It's— It's not that I want to— But he did want to. And he couldn't explain that.

He should have asked her to wait before he told her. They were making a scene. But he couldn't leave now. If he got up, if they moved even an inch, she might just walk away. She might do that anyway. He understood that. But as long as he stayed sitting here maybe she wouldn't get up and nothing would ever change.

And he knew how ironic that was, that he was afraid that she'd leave, when he was the one who was leaving. And he knew how terrible that was, because he was the one who was responsible for this. But he couldn't say that.

"Th-they don't." Control yourself. "I sent them letters. In the mail." I wanted to see you personally, he wanted to add, but he didn't deserve to say it.

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-13 10:15 pm (UTC)(link)
They were going to get kicked out. They were going to get kicked out. So don't cry.

Ryusei's hands ached from the from which he was keeping them clenched, and if he bit his lip any harder he'd have to explain to them why he'd showed up with a bloody lip. He'd clap a hand over his mouth to suppress the noise but he couldn't move. Because if he did, she might leave.

"Stop. Please stop," he whispered. A whisper was all he could manage.

He knew that. He knew that. That was why he sent letters because if he'd had to have this conversation with every one of them, his recruiters would kick him out for being mentally unsuitable and then for what reason would he have had to have those conversations in the first place? A letter was the most he could give them because he wasn't strong enough for anything else. He wasn't strong enough for this.

"I just needed to see you. A l-la— las—" Control yourself. "One final— time."

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-13 11:25 pm (UTC)(link)
He knew that, too. It'd been selfish to come here. He knew that.

But at least— At least he wasn't going off to die. That's right. He had to stick to his convictions. Even if she hated him—

He couldn't help it; he clapped his hands over his mouth.

Even if she hated him, he'd had to see her. How much worse would it get if she saw the letter? He hadn't sent them. They were in a pile on his desk. 'I'll see you soon' had been all he'd be able to write on all of them. He'd lingered overlong on Tomoko's, wanting to add something, a photo maybe, but in the end he didn't, and put it into the pile with all the rest, and had picked them up to go mail them and then had brought them back and put them on his desk because he hadn't been able to risk even the slightest chance that they'd get the letters early.

He couldn't risk the slightest chance that they'd confront him with his decision. So why, why had he forced that confrontation himself? Because— because he'd needed to see her. Even if he had to live with the knowledge that he'd made her cry.

Gentarou wouldn't burst in and miraculously fix everything with a grin. So while she was still here and was maybe even still listening to him, he had to say it. "I know," he started. "B-but even if it's cruel— Even if you don't believe me— I lov—"

[personal profile] asteroidbelt 2012-12-14 11:26 pm (UTC)(link)
He understood that. He did.

He lapsed into silence, and as he gradually regained control of himself, his hands came to rest on his lap again.

"... I need to go," he said finally. He had time. But what could he say? He got up, pushed the chair in, and stood there for a full minute. He should say something.

He should say something.

Say something.

"... Good-bye." He turned to the door.

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